Eavesdropping

Eavesdropping… a conversation between Lonnie and Trevor about books, writing and other things

Trevor:
Lonnie, give us a little information. Where do you live? How did you become a writer?

Lonnie:
My name is Lonnie Dee Robertson. I live on my boat so where I’m based is a tough question. In reality I’m a citizen of the Atlantic Ocean. I follow the sun (or to be more exact, the warm weather).

I have always been a writer. Well, actually I tried to be a cop once but I stopped because I didn’t feel safe when people shot at me. I also could never get the hang of telling other people what to do. So I quit the police department and began writing for newspapers. I have also written, and currently write, for magazines and other periodical publications. I also became a working musician at that time. It was the height of the Vietnam War and I knew a lot of protest songs… yeah, I’m an old hippie.

Trevor:
You write non-fiction, how do you decide what to write about?

Lonnie:
It was sort of decided for me. I have been graced with, shall we say, a full life. My course hasn’t followed the more common paths. I just never could “colour between the lines.” As a result I amassed considerable experience in quite a few interesting, but to most people, unusual areas. This is fortunate for me because even though I don’t have a good imagination I still have much about which to write which won’t bore people rigid. My parents always told me; “Lonnie, don’t make up stories!” so I had to live the tales I tell. The main drawback is that it’s taking a long time to live them all! Not that I’m complaining, of course…

Trevor:
What have you had published to date? Do you write under a pseudonym?

Lonnie:
Aside from many and varied stories and articles in magazines and newspapers, the story of my schooner, The Borealis, is my first full length book. You see, writing is not the only thing I do. I am still a performing musician, I just don’t do that many protest songs anymore… not that there isn’t reason to…

My most recent article in the magazine market is entitled The Poe Box. It was published in Elvia Magazine http://www.elviamagazine.com in May of 2012. The story is a conspiratorial piece about living outside the box… really outside the box… and escaping societal constraints by living on a boat. Your readers would love Elvia Magazine. Elvia Magazine is the brainchild of Michelle Anderson. It showcases articles by and about people who think outside the box. Michelle is a gracious and very competent person. Some of your readers may be interested in writing for her.

Oh yeah… the other things I’ve had published are those lovely photos in the post office. You know… They have one picture of me looking straight ahead and another one looking to the side. I get to hold this cute little sign with numbers on it! The first word in the caption is “Wanted” followed by “Dead or Alive.” The best part is they were published for free!

Regarding your question about a pseudonym… this one you’ll never believe… but here goes; I write under my real name but I live my life under a pseudonym. My life is pretty much backward in other regards too.

You see, as a writer I can write any time I feel the urge (or the pressure of a deadline). But my “other” occupation is more constricting and it is backwards to normal people. Most people work from 9 to 5. Musicians work from 5 to 9. Most people work so they can play. Musicians play for work. Most professionals “practise”… musicians actually have to do the job; they practise to get the ability to work. Most people retire after a career… musicians starve to death. Sorry, we’re talking about writing here.

Trevor:
You’re self-published… how did you decide go your own way?

Lonnie:
Going my own way? Hmmm… Being asked to leave… Unending rejection… being shunned by my fellow man (and most disturbingly; woman)… no, just kidding, actually I decided to self-publish because of my work experience.

I have a solid background in print, copywriting, layout and design. More importantly than that, however, was the circumstance of my birth. I was born at night… but not last night.

My four decades of experience in the music business has taught me what rejection is. Staying alive as a performer gave me a clear grasp of who gets the gigs and why they get them. Looking at publishing through that lens assured me I would be over six hundred years old before I would ever get a main stream publisher to accept my manuscript… unless I could figure out which palms had to be greased with “silver.” Even then I would have had to amass the required “silver;” ensuring beyond a doubt that I wouldn’t make a cent until at least my sixth book.

Trevor:
Are your books available as eBooks? Do you read eBooks do you like paper better?

Lonnie:
I don’t want to imply I’m obsessed by success (or terror of starvation) but my books are available in all formats, even PDF. I’ll happily supply hand written copies (by special order) penned by authentic Egyptian scribes. I’m so eager to please my customers that if they wish I’ll personally visit them, recite the bloody book aloud and even throw in a few sea chanties! If they are good enough customers I might even throw in my Michael Jackson impression completely gratis. After all I’m already, in effect, writing pro bono; aren’t I?

As to eBooks; I personally love eBooks. I live on a boat. Not only do I lack sufficient space for a traditional library but any book stored on a boat is absolutely certain to be ruined by a thorough soaking in sea water. And don’t delude yourself; the salt content of the water will not prevent mold! I do have some books on the M/V Margaret Ashton but they can no longer be opened. The ocean has transformed them into something more like bricks than books. They do, however, grow some truly fascinating mold cultures! As they say across the channel “la mer ne pardon pas”

For a brief moment of seriousness, though, I believe for reasons green and otherwise that eBooks are the future of publishing. I like the way hyperlinks, beautiful colour photos and even audio and video files can be easily… and more importantly CHEAPLY included in eBooks. It’s the way to go, man!

Trevor:
Do you make up your own titles? Do you design and make your own book covers? How important do you think titles and covers are important? Do you make the decisions on these things or do you rely on outside advice?

Lonnie:
I make all the decisions… for example; I decided to obey my wife. Unfortunately almost all of my other decisions have been… well… wrong. I do everything where production is concerned. I am a photographer and also a competent fine artist. So cover design is easily accessible to me. That, however, creates its own problem; what I personally find attractive is evidently not what sells best.

I think the title and cover are supremely important. In the case of my latest offering I prostrated myself before the altar of commerce so to speak and followed what I perceived to be the latest and best advice from the “moguls of marketing.” Thus the title to “The Borealis” is the closest I could come to a description of the content of the book whilst incorporating what Google claims are the best “key words.” I personally hate the title… it is longer than the bloody book… Thank God for “control-c” on the keyboard.

As to the cover; I guess I am a bit of a slacker there. I couldn’t help it. I was knackered just writing the bloody title. I decided to use a picture of the decrepit old tub the way she was when we began the crusade of rebuilding her. The Gods at Google would doubtless have advised a steamy graphic of a hot bird being ravished by the most modern incarnation of Errol Flynn but I decided to risk literary hara kiri by using a photo of the old albatross instead. What’s the difference… it’s going to be a failure anyway!

Heck… I’m already a failure. My acquaintances call me Habib the Failure. My really close acquaintances call me ‘Ol Chumbucket. I don’t actually have any friends so I can’t speculate what they would call me. It definitely wouldn’t be complementary…

Trevor:
What are you working on at the moment?

Lonnie:
At this exact moment I’m doing my level best to be as entertaining as possible in this interview. If this goes like the rest of my life I should probably make the appropriate apologies now… but I’ll keep going anyway:

The book you and I are discussing today is the first part of the story of my involvement with The Borey. I am working on the second and final book in the pair. It is even more bizarre than the book we are discussing. The first book consumed around 460 pages… a real bloody hog. So I thought I had better break the story in half to keep it from becoming any more unwieldy. So the short answer is I’m working on the end of the story; Or… as Paul Harvey would say (if he were still among the quick)… “And now my friends… the rest of the story!”

The long answer (I’m good at long answers… I’d make a great MP) is that I spend between eight and ten hours per day marketing the book. I am trying to reach everyone in what I perceive as my market with my homemade Rube Goldberg advertising campaign.

Through my marketing I am trying to create a persona, or brand, in the social marketing circles… to cultivate a customer base.

This is something else I learned in the music business. I spent my career performing other peoples’ compositions. Wait… before you condemn me… let me say that not writing original music is not a crime. Lots of really great musicians have never written a single note; for two examples people like Vladimir Horowitz (he plunked about on the piano) and Christopher Parkening (he strums a bit on the guitar) are certainly no slouches where music is concerned.

I say this to illustrate that I feel it is very important to have readers (or listeners) follow me as a person. Writing and performing have much in common. The same people who read will also enjoy music. If I just promote this book I will have to repeat the entire process with every other book. However, if I promote me maybe my supporters (all three of ‘em) will be interested in the other entertainment I can provide for them. I anticipate it will take two years or more of hard work to even begin to reach my market potential. Then I will be able to see some return. In addition to those two things I’m doing now; TropiCelts! maintains a full performance schedule… we have to work for those simoleans! (Well, OK quarters…)

Trevor:
Do you manage to write every day? Do you ever suffer from writer’s block?

Lonnie:
I do write every day. I maintain my blog… Through the Porthole… and also work on the second book. I never suffer from “writers block” because I’m reciting the story of what actually happened in my life. I just try to communicate it in a way which produces laughter in my custome… excuse me… I mean readers.

Oh, yeah, there’s something else I write every day. Since I was twelve years old (back when we scribes were still using clay tablets and a cuneiform stylus) I have kept a very meticulous daily journal. Sometimes obsessive compulsive disorder can be used to one’s advantage. These journals together approach the size of the Encyclopaedia Britannica… remember those? If I ever wanted to commit a truly heinous crime I would publish the journals. That would be the literary equivalent of the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I’m not that mean though.

Oh, damn it Trevor… I can’t lie. I’ve been trying to sound soooo cynical, tough and professional but I do suffer writers block. I suffered it this very morning. The proprietor of the marina wherein my boat is berthed knocked on my hull and asked for his rent cheque… again… Even though I’m ambidextrous, Trevor, no matter how desperately I tried I could not get either one of my hands to grip my writing utensil. There… It’s off my chest.

Trevor:
Do you do a lot of editing or do you pretty much get it down in the first draft?

Lonnie:
I don’t find myself doing a lot of editing. This really is the way I talk. I’m naturally self-deprecating, sarcastic and snide. Not only that but I’m unforgivably cynical, misanthropic and I have gallows humour! I do have one saving grace; I’m not rude. Editing this stuff would only make it more disgusting than it already is. For instance; this interview was pretty nice before I went back over it… and now look what’s happened!

Trevor:
Do you have to do much research?

Lonnie:
I probably should… but where would I look? Sometimes I have to scramble to remember exact dates but again I am writing a chronicle of what really happened. While the occurrences I impart were normal in my life they still left an indelible impression on what still passes for my cerebral cortex! Besides, what’s not in my memory I can look up in my diaries.

Trevor:
Do you have stuff you think will never see light of day?

Lonnie:
Trevor, I’ll be shocked apoplectic if anything I write ever sees the light of day. Well, I suppose I should be accurate… it may see the light of day but I have an unshakable belief that no one but me will ever actually read it!

Trevor:
Do you pitch your articles and books or are you commissioned to write?

Lonnie:
I was commissioned to write back in the newspaper and magazine days. Now I’m speculating like everybody else. I make more pitches than those “guys on the mound” in professional baseball… more pitches than you see in the longest cricket match, even more pitch than it took to fill the seams in all the ships of the line under the command of Lord Nelson. I’m so used to it that I can’t even stop myself. I’m a little like the kleptomaniac who helps himself because he can’t help himself. Trevor; Please buy my book… it took me years to write it won’t you take a look?… it’s based on a novel by a man named Lear… I need a break and I wanna be a pa… oh, sorry.

Trevor:
Have you had any rejections? If so, how do you deal with them?

Lonnie:
Trevor! How could you possibly ask me that? REJECTIONS the man says… My mother put me up for adoption on the very day I tumbled wet and bloody from the womb… and we had been so close all the time she was pregnant. It all started then and went downhill from there. Musicians LIVE on rejection. Why do you think my biggest goal in life is to be able to afford a pizza with everything? You’ve certainly decided by now to reject this interview. If you haven’t you must be doing some kind of penance.
How do I deal with rejection? I have had a modicum of success with crawling up into the chain locker in the bow of the M/V Margaret Ashton, laying in the dark on the pile of salt, mud and crustacean encrusted anchor chain and whimpering.

Trevor:
Do you enter any non-fiction competitions? Are there any you could recommend?

Lonnie:
I never enter competitions. Competitions have to be judged. Who are the judges? Are they being paid off like everybody else from preachers to politicians? (Wait a minute…, that’s the same thing isn’t it?)

I can see writing being judged on the basis of grammar. I can see writing being judged on the basis of spelling and punctuation. One may be judged on mechanics… but certainly not on content. How can anyone be qualified to judge what happened when I spent three years living under a live oak tree in the Florida Everglades… with no electricity… no running water… and no toilette? The alleged judge would have had to have lived an almost identical story to have the qualifications to pronounce “judgement.” Even then it would be subjective… there is simply no way to be objective about it. In the end it boils down to whether the reader likes the story. If there is any competition it exists only with each and every individual reader. Heck, I don’t play the lottery either… losing is guaranteed. One has a greater chance of being struck by lightning that winning the lottery… and I have a snowball’s chance in Hades of winning a writing contest.

Trevor:
Do you have an agent? Do you think they’re vital to an author’s success?

Lonnie:
Here we see another crossover in the arts. I don’t use agents for my writing. Nor do I use them in the music business. I am very covetous of writers and entertainers who have agents. Agents have business sense. A competent agent would be the best thing that could happen to me. Unfortunately though, agents have to make a living (unless they are on the dole). Therefore they must necessarily be disposed to representing writers who have a proven sales record. If I were an agent I would like to have GRR Martin or even Danielle Steele as my client. I could not afford to spend time spinning my wheels in a fruitless attempt to sell Lonnie Dee Robertson! The best I could do would be to place Lonnie’s latest tome on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble… Well, hell! I can do that myself and pay no commission. I don’t even expect my wife Jinna to do any marketing for me. If by some miracle I did achieve some tiny modicum of success I would be better served by a lawyer. If I got really successful maybe I could avail myself of the services of a lawyer and a tax advisor. You know; someone to handle the intricacies of contract negotiations and hiding income in the Cayman Islands or something.

Trevor:
How much of the marketing do you do for your published works or indeed for yourself as a ‘brand’?

Lonnie:
I devote between eight and ten hours per day every day to beating the bushes. I follow up all leads and personally have answered both people who contacted me… yes, Trevor, you’re the second… you would have been first ‘cept for Mom.

I actively pursue every avenue and lead I can find in the nautical field. Anyone interested in boats is a potential satisfied customer. I know I have to sell each and every one of them individually. I schedule book presentations at any forum that will have me which serves the boating world. Because I am an experienced performer I feel totally comfortable in front of an audience. I try to make my listeners laugh but at the same time I impart technical and useful knowledge to them… something they can take home and use on their own boats… and lots of other places. But I always leave ‘em laughin’ even if I use myself as the butt of the joke.

Trevor:
What’s your favourite / least favourite aspect of your writing life? Has anything surprised you?

Lonnie:
My favourite part of writing is the excitement I feel in the process of writing. I get giddy about what I’m saying and how I’m saying it. When I go back and read my books and articles I enjoy them. I like reading what I wrote. I don’t really care if anyone else likes it. I deeply care about whether they will buy it! But Trevor, if I don’t like it how can I expect the reader to like it?

The aspect of writing I like least is not really writing at all. It’s the endless marketing. Man, I’d rather take my little boat and go to the beach or just ride around. I live in the Florida Keys. It is one of the most beautiful and comfortable places on our little blue planet… well… to me it is. If I’m going to be a success at selling this stuff I have work tirelessly to sell it. Slacking off isn’t going to “Git ‘er done” as the rednecks around here so eloquently put it. So I never take a day off.
Has anything surprised me? Yeah, I’m shocked speechless you let me do this interview!

Trevor:
What advice would you give aspiring writers?

Lonnie:
Write.

Trevor:
If you could invite three people from any era to dinner, who would you choose and what would you cook (or hide the takeaway containers)?

Lonnie:
Well, Trevor, let’s get this confession out of the way: I don’t know how to cook. As I would put it at a Takeaway Addicts Anonymous meeting; “Hello everyone… I’m Lonnie Robertson and I’m a tin opener.” So it’s the take away containers for me.

Now as to whom I would invite and from what era; Jeez…that’s a tough one, Trevor. I guess first of all I’d like to invite someone deeply involved in tracking sales in the “book biz.” The era? Let’s say 2018… March 26th… yes… March 26th 2018 would be good. This unnamed balding bean counter, from the world’s most accurate book sales tracking site will be able to, over lukewarm containers of Moo Goo Gai Pan and General Jor’s Chicken, be able to confirm that the five copies of my book purchased from CreateSpace six years ago are still in that dusty warehouse in the empire of Amazon Dot Com.

The second person I would invite would be Kurt Vonnegut. I would invite Kurt in the present. I wouldn’t invite him to the same party as the bean counter though. I couldn’t bear the embarrassment. I would serve Jamaican Jerk Chicken because the Pissant Hilton was in the Caribbean. You know… Jerk Chicken… you’re a jerk if you eat it and a chicken if you don’t. The Jamaicans immolate the chicken whole (and in some cases… unplucked), smear the remains with Habanero peppers (unless they can find something hotter). Then they chop it into bits with a rusty, dirty machete. I would, however, invite Kurt for the same reason I invited the aforementioned bean counter. You see, on Tralfamador, a planet in one of Kurts novels, time occurred all at once. It was not linear like it is for us. Time was sort of an all inclusive temporal painting… like da Vinci’s Last Supper… except instead of a “discipular panorama” you would see all of time at once. Sort of like you can see all the disciples at once in the Last Supper. So on Tralfamador nothing was forever… not even failure like mine! Only forever was forever! Kurt and I could communicate by breaking wind and tap dancing like true Tralfamadorians. He could tell me how to write a decent book. I would take his advice… then I could say; “Well, at least I’m not a failure anymore.”

The third person I would invite would be my biological mother… whatever her name was. I would serve crow. Crow wing appetizers with hot sauce. Crow chowder. Roast stuffed crow for the main course. For dessert… yup… crow a-la-mode. Crow T. Robot. I would invite her on the evening of July 13 1947. I would thereby interrupt her plans for that evening. This would metamorphose to the Latin phrase; coitus interruptus. The result would be that she would not be burdened with lugging around a concealed weapon… me… for nine excruciatingly uncomfortable months. I would be absolved of the burden of trying to market this bloody book… and a whole lot of other unpleasantness as well!

Trevor:
Is there a word, phrase or quote you like?

Lonnie:
I can’t think of a more lovely sound than a knock on the side of the boat followed by a cheerful and lusty: “Domino’s Pizza Delivery!

Trevor:
Are you involved in anything else writing-related other than actual writing or marketing of your writing?

Lonnie:
Let’s see… I forged a medical certificate so we could get our job performing on the QEII… or was it the Regent Star? Then there was that letter to the draft board during the Viet Nam War… I know there were a number of other sordid things but memory at my age…

Trevor:
What do you do when you’re not writing? Any hobbies or party tricks?

Lonnie:
TropiCelts! performs frequently (as frequently as we can… bills, you know). Speaking of bills; my bills make me feel like a Pelican. No matter which way I turn there’s a huge bill in front of me!

Of course the boat takes a good bit of maintenance. We actually rebuilt it ourselves… with our own grubby little hands. We purchased the vessel with two seized engines and a seized generator. The boat also had no interior. Hey, when you’re a writer/musician you have to take what you can get.

It took us nearly a year to build the interior. At the time we had a very complete wood shop. When we purchased the wood for the boat it still had leaves, limbs and bark on it. The only thing we didn’t have to do was cut the trees down ourselves. We did all the milling ourselves. Then we constructed the complete interior and even built an enclosed wheelhouse on the flying bridge. She is the second boat we have built from a total wreck. The Borealis, featured in my book, was the first boat. We eventually sold the Borey to another victim and purchased the trawler upon which we now live. I have hand carved all the cabinet doors out of solid tropical hardwoods. My connections in Central America and West Africa really come in handy when it comes to exotic wood.

Trevor:
Are you on any forums or networking sites? If so, how valuable do you find them?

Lonnie:
I participate a lot in Linkedin. There are many people on Linkedin in the same boat as I’m in. We’re all trying to figure out how to make a decent living as artists. Linkedin also provides me direct access to potential markets for my products and services. With Linkedin I can bypass the gatekeepers and stroll right into the president’s office. You can’t be a blatant spammer but with a little politeness you can reach the real decision makers. The people I contact are very understanding. They are businessmen too and have problems and challenges similar to the ones I face. If you have a product for a niche market Linkedin can efficiently steer you to knowledge and customers in that market. I have not accumulated enough experience yet to have truly mastered the intricacies… but I can clearly recognize the potential. Plus… Linkedin has discussion groups who deal with how to use Linkedin. Linkedin had doubled its size in the last year. That is very bloody impressive. I highly recommend any writer in any genre to join Linkedin.

I also maintain a presence on Facebook. I do not have the same enthusiasm for Facebook I do with Linkedin, Twitter or Google+. I don’t mean this in a derogatory sense at all but the best way I can describe it is Facebook is… well… blue collar. That is the feeling I get from it. I maintain my page there and communicate without fail with those who “like” me… and I very much appreciate them. But I always come away from a Facebook session feeling as if I have been speaking a foreign tongue incompetently.

Trevor:
What do you think the future holds for writers?

Lonnie:
Well that depends on who the writer is. The future looks decidedly bleak for me; but I’d say it’s pretty rosy for J.K. Rowling and G.R.R. Martin.

Seriously though I think because of the Internet and its unlimited opportunities for distribution and sales, the future has never been brighter for writers. The question is not; will the writing sell? The real question is how does one learn to use the available technology to identify and serve the micro-market with which one is endeavouring to connect. The Internet is without question almost as big an event in history as the invention of the mouldboard plow. It has completely revolutionized the way we “human beans” communicate with one another. Rather than the major corporations, churches and governments deciding what we consumers will be fed we now have the chance to decide for ourselves. WE MUST JEALOUSLY GUARD THIS OPPORTUNITY.

Trevor:
Where can we find out about you and your writing?

Lonnie:
Probably the United States Department of Corrections… or do they still call it The Bureau of Prisons. No, that’s not it. The best way would probably be Twitter, Linkedin, My Facebook page but especially Jinna’s and my website. Another place to look would be homeless shelters, refugee camps… and possibly the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

Trevor:
Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Lonnie:
Well… y-y-yes… Its 1945 and I’ve been working on this since 0930… could I go to the bathroom, please?

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

Finished Powder Monkey Tales by@RaeEllen

Finished Powder Monkey Tales by@RaeEllenLee. Took me back to my grandfather’s stories. You’ll like it! http://ow.ly/b4BG8

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

I #amreading Powder Monkey Tales by @Rae

I #amreading Powder Monkey Tales by @RaeEllenLee. I’m an addict. I only read Rae Ellen Lee!

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

Just finished reading the Bluebird House

Just finished reading the Bluebird House by Rae Ellen Lee @RaeEllenLee. A thoroughly engrossing romantic adventure set against a backdrop of the Montana mountains in a tiny town that history bypassed. This book is a literary gourmet repast with everything a reader could want. Get it at Amazon.com!

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

I’m sadly past the midpoint in #amreadi

I’m sadly past the midpoint in #amreading The Bluebird House @RaeEllenLee. It just keeps getting better. Fantastic read.

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

Air Conditioners, Dogs, and Social Distance

We’re still in Key Largo. Key Largo is almost in the tropical zone and that fact becomes more and more evident with every passing day. Today is the midpoint in May… May 15th. That is pretty obvious because the climate has metamorphosed to the summer pattern. In other words it’s hot. Il fait (to use the French phrase) over ninety degrees and the relative humidity is running neck and neck with the temperature. We’re still not running the air conditioners during the day though.

Sales haven’t been good in the music business… not for a couple of years. We don’t have the testicular fortitude to discuss sales in the book biz. No matter how hard we market we can’t seem to book any more than one or two jobs every month. That affects how we think of our air conditioners. Mechanical devices only last so long…, and then they break down. They have to be fixed or replaced. That would require the money from the jobs we don’t have. One of our air conditioners is already in extremis. Therefore we are only running one of our air conditioner units and then only at night. Fortunately it is the one in our cabin… the aft cabin. As most of you know it is a lot easier to sleep when one is surrounded by cool, dry air… especially when three or four dogs are assigned to each of us.

Social distance is different for dogs. You know… social distance. It’s the distance you maintain between yourself and the acquaintance, stranger, friend or family member to whom you are speaking. For example; if you are speaking to a friend who is a member of the opposite sex (or even the same sex if you are so inclined… it’s the same thing) you may be inclined (pun intended) to reduce the distance betwixt you. If, on the other hand, it is a family member with whom you are endeavouring to interact, you may be trying to resist the overwhelming temptation to run shrieking away. Mostly humans seem to stand approximately three feet away from each other. Three feet of elbow room feels about right to the average descendant of Lucy.

Like I said; social distance is different for dogs. To a dog, if he is your friend, social distance is nonexistent. The dog will be happiest if his entire body is pasted to your face. After all you’re pack mates. Eight dogs live with us… well actually now it’s only seven… The Wah succumbed to his congenital heart problem last July but I still think of him as being here. It’s hard to tactilely perceive the difference between seven dogs and eight. Each of our dogs shares the same idea where social distance is concerned.

This brings us back to Key Largo in the summer… and air conditioners. The dogs’ dedication to their perception of social distance is unshakable. They prefer all of us to sleep in direct contact with each other… including Jinna and I… obviously we are pack members too. Truth be known they prefer this state of propinquity sleeping of not… 24/7.

Dogs perceive discomfort differently than humans. Dogs operate under a different system of values too. Your average dog will put up with a huge amount of discomfort in order to maintain his preferred social distance. This reveals another interesting fact about dogs; to be specific; dog metabolism. Dogs’ normal temperature is one degree higher than the normal temperature of a human. While this does not seem like a lot it can be quite noticeable at 0300 in the close confines of a trawler cabin when three to four dogs are so close to you that you couldn’t slip a razor blade between you. At least dogs don’t sweat like humans and horses. A pack of Chihuahuas can put out a shocking number of BTUs… especially if they are pasted to you.

That is why the air conditioner is so essential. It is important because, surprisingly, Chihuahuas are excellent howlers. You think hounds bay? You’ve never heard a pack of Chihuahuas. Another attribute of Chihuahuas is that they never give up. Any Chihuahua… or group of Chihuahuas will yip and howl nonstop until (s)he gets what (s)he wants. Chihuahuas exhibit more dedication than Bulldogs. None of the Chihuahuas will tolerate expulsion from the cabin. When they all achieve full song it is more impressive than the Mormon Tubercular Choir. It is the hounds of the Baskervilles on steroids.

We are dedicated to keeping our air conditioner in working order. Prolonged lack of sleep could result in psychosis. We are already certifiably insane. Donations to the air conditioner maintenance fund will be graciously accepted.

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment

Latest blog post; Air Conditioners, Dogs

Latest blog post; Air Conditioners, Dogs, and Social Distance is at http://www.welcometolonniedeeandjinnasworld.com Click Through the Porthole blog

Posted in Boat | Leave a comment